On p. 194. Beck speaks briefly about her grief over the diagnosis. A few times later in the book, she mentions her great sadness, in a generalized way, including a scene with her father. Yet the description of John's grief, beginning on p. 230, is told in its every detail, and the scene continues for seven full pages, which is a relatively long scene, in this book. Why is this so? Do you think Beck found it easier to speak about John's grief with clarity and compassion, than to speak about her own?

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

That's an interesting question. I think her pain comes out in bits and pieces throughout the pregnancy account--it fuels just about every conversation and scene. It makes sense that John's comes in a big chunk because he's so adept at hiding his feelings--instead of emotion leaking out, he has an explosion.

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Kathryn Lynard Soper
Mother of Thomas (DS) 10/2005
Sam - 2003
Matt - 2001
Christine - 1999
Andrew - 1997
Ben - 1994
Elizabeth - 1993

Author of The Year My Son and I Were Born: A Story of Down Syndrome, Motherhood, and Self-Discovery



Editor of GIFTS and GIFTS 2

To me, it goes to the heart of aid. It's easier to help someone, to show empathy for someone else than it is to do it for ourselves.

MB does write of her death wish, and I imagine that's somehow connected to grief, but nothing is gone into in any detail. I think it's just hard to look at your own feelings that closely.

I also wonder if she were trying to spare Adam, who will someday read this book (maybe he already has).

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

And while the scene with John reveals a lot of his interior landscape, it's still a secondhand account...I think the bare bones of what's inside us can be just too much to spell out on paper. A version of it, but not the whole technicolor mess. It can be too ugly for life in print. And too complex, I think. We can feel and think things that don't belong to the air, so to speak. They don't belong to public discourse. Some things just can't be accurately represented in words, and when we try, the words twist them and pin them down, making them into something different. Like, we can have the passing urge to throttle one of our kids, and we might be able to describe that in a limited way in certain settings, but to try to spell it out just doesn't work--it makes it too stark and definite.

I agree that it's much easier to face another's pain than our own.

_________________
Kathryn Lynard Soper
Mother of Thomas (DS) 10/2005
Sam - 2003
Matt - 2001
Christine - 1999
Andrew - 1997
Ben - 1994
Elizabeth - 1993

Author of The Year My Son and I Were Born: A Story of Down Syndrome, Motherhood, and Self-Discovery



Editor of GIFTS and GIFTS 2

I'd have a hard time talking about my grief, too. I think it is because it isn't really done. I still lay awake at night and grieve over the societal challenges that Aaron is going to be faced with. And how I feel like the world doesn't want our children.

So to summarize it in a story would be difficult. And I agree - what child would want to read that their mother grieved over their birth? We must ensure our children feel beloved and wanted, no matter what...

I don't think that MB chose to go into less detail about her grief. I feel that her grief was communicated, though not in detail, and stretched out. My grief over Polly's diagnosis has been one of the sharpest tools of change in my life. I believe that it will continue to carve in me the ability to abstain from falsities and to attempt to be more honest with myself and others. Through these lessons, I am trying to be more open about all of my emotions. The self examination that is going on in my life right now is causing me to answer a lot of these questions about my person as opposed to the book. Forgive me, enough about me, what do you think of me? LOL

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Gillian
wife to Sergei and mom to Elaina (, Zoya (6) and Polina (2 1/2 DS)
http://lintofpocket.wordpress.com/

I agree with Gillian. I think MB is shaped throughout the course of the book and reveals her emotions in bits and pieces, but shows all of her husband's all in one fell swoop.

I also think we see more of the PROCESS of grieving in her, whereas we get it in one lump sum regarding her husband.

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CJ
Mom to:
B (10/96)
E (06/04: DS)
? (EDD: 11/10)







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