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mom2Anthony&8girls

Don't have time to go into much right now (got to go to church). Anthony has been crying lots, holds out his hands while crying says his caregivers name. This is not him at all. I have asked him questions that I know the answers to such; "Did you have turkey sandwich for lunch?", "Did you watch Blues Clues?", "Did you color?", he answers all those correctly (he's always done very well answering questions at home and school) Finally I asked if "Did______ hurt you?" He answered yes and started crying. Hmmmm, I can't help but believe him and my mommy gut says to as well. I don't know what to think as far as how much is she hurting him; is she spanking his hands, squeezing his hands or what?

We are installing two hidden cameras in our home that will be on a live cam for us to watch from any PC and will be recording as well. If she is hurting him I promise she will never work in this state again!

What do you all think?

The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to leave her alone with him, I cancelled her on Friday because I had an appointment, so I just took Anthony with me. SHe will be here in the a.m., DH & I will be home and I plan on staying home as long as she is here. Once the cameras are installed I will leave her alone and DH will be on watch from his PC at work to see what is going on.

This person is from an agency, has no children, not married, about 40 years old, and way to nice. SHe never has anyting bad to say about Anthony and I know he is no angel, she always talks about how beautiful my family is, how much she was part of our family or how cute Anthony is. Our other CG was very open with us, if she had an issue with Anthony she always told us and how she dealt with him without me asking, she also shared the positive or cute Anthony storys. This lady nevers says anything even if I ask her if he gave her any problems.

I am also willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she isn't putting her hands on Anthony, but I won't know for certain till we see her alone with him.

Would love to hear from you all.

_________________
Proud mom of Kiersten~17, Alexandria~15, Katrina~14, Ashley~11, Virginia~9, Corrin~7, Vanessa~6, Anthony~4 blessed with an extra chromosome, Rachel~8 months

lilpayton · Posted: December 09 2007, 12:30 PM Post subject:

I think you are doing the right thing, aside from just getting a totally new caregiver. I would do the exact same thing. I usually find that my instinct is right and yours probably is too. Keep us posted!

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Bethany
Mommy to Mason (1/13/04) and Payton (DS) (1/7/06)

http://thebalsisfamily.blogspot.com/

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance."

lespring · Posted: December 09 2007, 12:48 PM Post subject:

Follow your gut. I wouldn't even have her back in the house, no matter how inconvenient it is to find another person. At what expense? To have Anthony hurt again? Anthony isn't able to lie, and your gut instinct is there FOR A REASON!!!! Follow it! If it were me, asking you the same question, what would be your suggestion to me? You would probably say something like, "I wouldn't even want the person back in my house."

Please, don't use Anthony as an experiment. You said yourself she's "Too nice" so something has been bothering you before Anthony's complaints. All you need to do is say, "Thanks for working for us, but you're no longer needed." You don't have to say anything more than that.

I understand that you want to KNOW, so that she can't go off and hurt some other kid, and I know you've thought about this alot, but putting Anthony at risk is just an awful thought, and not one that I'd be comfortable with at all.

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~Leah~

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ciarrasmom · Posted: December 09 2007, 1:01 PM Post subject:

devils advocate here:

you really dont know WHY he is crying, and he may very well be expressing that his hands are hurting and she tried to make them better or something. It would be very easy to get it all tangled up. I would do the monitoring, and ask less pointed questions. For instance, ask him to tell you when he cried..."I feel________?" and show him a printout of faces, happy sad angry etc. Give him words for whatever he is feeling, but dont guess too much. If you see the slighest thinkg that invokes suspicion, act immediately. But her entire world could be turned upside down based on an accusation that wasnt rooted in anything more than tears and a child agreeing with you when he was very upset. NOT saying he is "lying" I AM saying an emotional child with a speech delay is open to answering questions with the easy answers, which may not always reflect the truth. When he ISNT crying is the best time to talk, ask him "what hurts your hands?" and see what he says, not "did _______ hurt your hands?" It is too suggestive. I hate that this is happening, and I would be so upset too. I hope you get an answer.

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dafitz · Posted: December 09 2007, 5:08 PM Post subject:

trust your gut instinct... dont leave him alone with her until the cameras are set up, but defo set them up and if she is doing wrong nail her! dont let her go on to look after anyone else's children

Dx

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mum to Nathan 10 + Mackenzie 9mths (DS)

lilpayton · Posted: December 09 2007, 7:14 PM Post subject:

ciarrasmom wrote:

devils advocate here:

you really dont know WHY he is crying, and he may very well be expressing that his hands are hurting and she tried to make them better or something. It would be very easy to get it all tangled up. I would do the monitoring, and ask less pointed questions. For instance, ask him to tell you when he cried..."I feel________?" and show him a printout of faces, happy sad angry etc. Give him words for whatever he is feeling, but dont guess too much. If you see the slighest thinkg that invokes suspicion, act immediately. But her entire world could be turned upside down based on an accusation that wasnt rooted in anything more than tears and a child agreeing with you when he was very upset. NOT saying he is "lying" I AM saying an emotional child with a speech delay is open to answering questions with the easy answers, which may not always reflect the truth. When he ISNT crying is the best time to talk, ask him "what hurts your hands?" and see what he says, not "did _______ hurt your hands?" It is too suggestive. I hate that this is happening, and I would be so upset too. I hope you get an answer.

True, however it seems she has deeper feelings about this woman aside from him saying his hands hurt. She has a bad feeling about her, period...something seems wrong in her heart. Also, from what I gathered from the initial post, it seems like she has asked him in a variety of ways and that she keeps getting the same answer.

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Bethany
Mommy to Mason (1/13/04) and Payton (DS) (1/7/06)

http://thebalsisfamily.blogspot.com/

"Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance."

AmyfromSD · Posted: December 09 2007, 7:18 PM Post subject:

I worry about her being left alone with him even one more time to get something on camera! Is it worth it to get proof if you don't feel comfortable with her anyway? If he is scared of her, I wouldnt leave him with her again. Just my 2 cents, I hope things turn out well for you!

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Carson's Mom · Posted: December 09 2007, 7:28 PM Post subject:

I would watch from some place close so if she starts hurting him you can get them immediately. I might call to see if she stopped so you could interrupt if you see anything you don't like and then get her out of there. I hope you are wrong and maybe he just doesn't like her instead. I would hate to think of her hurting him in any way. Good luck and please keep us posted.

Kayla

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,

Callan (6), Kenna (4), Carson (2)

lespring · Posted: December 09 2007, 8:48 PM Post subject:

Ok, so you suspect something is going on. You've had a problem with her in your heart for awhile, and now he has, in the only way he knows how, told you that something did/is happening. So you set up a video tape, and lets say you catch her doing something on that tape. How would that NOT be endangerment if you suspect something is going on? If you knowingly put your child in harms way?

Here's an article I found: http://www.securityworld.com/ia-242-should-you-videotape-your-nanny.aspx

Quote:

If you feel strongly against videotaping, but your instincts tell you that abuse could be occurring, follow your instincts and get rid of the nanny. According to Dr. Walter F. Lambert, director of the University of Miami Child Protection Team and a nationally recognized expert on child abuse, "I'm not telling people to not to do it [video recording], but I just think that it's a waste of money, and if you really feel uncomfortable enough to go out and buy video taping [equipment] this person should not be in your home. Because if you can't trust that person enough that you have to set up a video taping, they shouldn't be taking care of your kids."

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lespring · Posted: December 09 2007, 9:11 PM Post subject:

In this article, (http://www.x10.com/key_products/nannycam-story4.htm ) here is a comment by a man who rents out video equipment, often for nanny surveillance. He says,

Quote:

Giordano said 80 percent of his customers fire their nannies after renting the cameras because they find some form of neglect, but the Wilton incident is the first time a taping has led to an arrest. And parents often must wait days to view anything suspicious.

Wow! 80%!!!! That means 80% of the people renting equipment from him had a SUSPICION something was going on, and found out it was true. Had they just followed their instincts, their child wouldn't have been subjected to it again! And what if something happens off camera? You can't see it then and won't know it's going on.

Don't get me wrong, I understand WHY you want to video tape. Who would want to wrongly accuse someone of abuse? Who would want an abuser to have the opportunity to go abuse another child because you fired her based on suspicion and weren't able to catch her in the act. But I think you're not giving your instincts enough credit. You owe this person nothing, you owe your son the world.

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~Leah~

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mom2Anthony&8girls · Posted: December 10 2007, 2:08 AM Post subject:

WOW, THANK YOU! I knew that I could count on all of you here for the great advice. It was nice to read that most of your thoughts were the same that DH & I had. We have been tossing stuff all weekend long and tonight while we talked again, we decided that we would talk to her in the morning when she gets here.

"Anthony has been complaning that his hand hurt, do you know anything?"

We will then go from there, depending on her answer and how she reacts will decide the rest goes. We did decide that we are going to let her go no matter what, we'll tell her it's just not working.

I will call the agency, schedule a meeting with them as soon as possible. I want them to put anyone else we use through training on how to care for children with special needs and if they don't agree, then we will hire on our own. Yes, we are still getting cameras.

Will post an update later. Thank you again, you are all wonderful.

_________________
Proud mom of Kiersten~17, Alexandria~15, Katrina~14, Ashley~11, Virginia~9, Corrin~7, Vanessa~6, Anthony~4 blessed with an extra chromosome, Rachel~8 months

Ibby · Posted: December 10 2007, 11:50 AM Post subject:

The thought of Anthony being hurt makes me sick to my stomach!! I am praying for your tough situation today. I'll be watching for updates!!

Ibby

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elizasmom · Posted: December 10 2007, 12:49 PM Post subject:

We have let caregivers go based on gut feeling before. You want someone you are 100% confident in and trust completely. It's your children. You just say it's not working. If i had to get cameras that would already mean i didn't trust them.

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Liz - Mom to Walker (3/24/02) and Eliza (Ds) (5/6/05)

kctahoe · Posted: December 10 2007, 5:11 PM Post subject:

I'm glad you are going to let the caregiver go no matter what. Whether she hurt Anthony or not, Anthony deserves a caregiver that he can 'click' with. You know, someone who he can really get along with and learn from. I sure hope that lady did not hurt him though!
--K

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