I have been meaning to post a new message for quite some time…but I never expected that this would be what I’d write.
I am going through a really, really hard time and I am finding that there are not a lot of people that I can talk to who understand …and I am hoping there is someone here who might be able to.
Before I go any further I do want to say that I have been extremely busy lately with my little guy who is now 19 months old...and I have been busy because a month ago he started walking!! I can’t tell how amazing it is to see my little man throw his arms in the air and walk/run over to me for a hug…I know we are so fortunate and lucky that he and his older sister (now 3 ½ and very busy and independent herself) are doing so so well. And I am trying very very hard to focus all my love and attention on them and try to just be in the moment and appreciate all I have…but then the recent events seem to creep back into my mind and I can’t help but struggle not to cry and sink into sadness.
I apologize for how long and rambling this may be but this is the first time I am writing all this and it’s very hard…
When my little man was 6 months old I found out I was pregnant and my husband and I were surprised but very happy. I worried for a couple days about how I would handle a newborn and a 15 month old child with special needs, but then I just put all the worries aside and was just really excited. Unfortunately during a checkup at 6 weeks I was told that the pregnancy was not progressing. I was really sad and disappointed and everyone immediately told me that it was very common and not to blame myself. It was then that we decided that we would definitely try again but when Lucas was a little older.
After trying for a few months, I found out this October that I was pregnant and I was literally giddy with excitement! I remember being in the bathroom jumping up and down yelling for my husband to come see the test. Everything seemed perfect. At first I felt great but then I started to feel pretty sick and lost a lot of weight. I was so nervous that everything was ok (mainly because of the previous miscarriage) that at 8 weeks my doctors agreed to do an ultrasound just to check that things were ok. And it was more than ok…the baby was perfect!! I had gone to the ultrasound appointment myself (so that my husband could stay home with the kids) but I had the same technician who had done almost all the ultrasounds for my previous pregnancies so I felt really comfortable. The minute she started and I saw the little arms and legs and little buds for hands and feet and the cute little body my heart just melted!! I remember her telling me two things: The heartbeat was “wonderful and strong” and that this baby “must be one on yours..he/she is standing on his/her head!” We both had to laugh and I left the appointment with three amazing pictures of our little one and I immediately called everyone I knew to tell them that all was great…really great. I felt so so so happy and thrilled…everything was just so perfect.

Two weeks ago I woke up feeling very sad and lonely. I was playing with the kids (I don’t know if I mentioned before that I’m a stay-at-home mom) and trying to get my usual chores done but I kept being distracted by this overwhelming sadness. I texted my husband at work and told him that it seemed so strange but I just wanted him to come home because I didn’t want to be alone. He assured me I was probably just having a “hormone rush” and I’d be fine. An hour later I started spotting…I knew something was terribly wrong because I never had that with any other pregnancy. I started to cry and got down on my knees in the bathroom begging God to not let it be a miscarriage…and begging the baby to stay with me. I called my doctor and they had me come in. They did an exam and said that everything looked and seemed totally fine. The spotting had stopped and they said that sometimes it happens and there is no real reason. They told me that they could understand my concern but that there was no reason to worry. They had tried to listen for a heartbeat but when they couldn’t hear one they assured me that at 10 weeks it is often hard to find it. They told me that if I really wanted they would do an ultrasound later that day just to ease my mind. I insisted they do one. At four that day I went back for the ultrasound…this time with my husband and I was so so nervous but also starting to think that maybe I was making it more than it was. The technician also assured me that things were probably just fine. She started the ultrasound and I immediately saw my little baby just cuddled up laying very very still. No one said a word and my first thought was that it looked as though he/she was sleeping. After a few seconds my husband grabbed and squeezed my hand and his eyes welled up. I asked the technician if there was a heartbeat and she said, in a very soft voice “No…I am very sorry, but no there isn’t.” I can’t even begin to express to you how horribly awful that moment was.
Two days later I had a d&c and a few days after that they told us that the fetus was 8 weeks 3 days along. That means that literally 3 days after that amazing ultrasound with the really strong heartbeat everything just stopped. They still have no idea what the spotting was about but they consider me fortunate because otherwise I might not have known until my 12 week appointment and it would have been crushing. They talked to me about the possibility of chromosomal abnormalities and that some things just aren’t meant to be…they told me a lot of other stuff but it’s all a blur because I just hurt so so much inside.
I realize there are some who think that it was so early in the pregnancy how can I be so upset…but it was the fact that I had seen this little one…I had seen him/her bouncing around …flipping around … with that really healthy heartbeat…it just doesn’t make sense to me. And then I am overwhelmed with this feeling that maybe there is something wrong with me…and I start to question why … why has all this happened to us? My doctors have told us that my son has the randomly occurring T21…and that there is no reason to think that this was in any way related, that many miscarriages end and there is no real reason…but then they also give me this look like they pity us or something. I just can’t wrap my head around this and even though it’s been two weeks I am still so so sad. The holidays are definitely not helping and I am trying my best to put on a good face for my kids but I go to bed and wake almost every hour in tears. I so much want to try again (and so does my husband) but I am scared and I just wish someone could tell me that it will be ok. I know that I should be grateful for the two beautiful children I have…and I am…I just having a hard time with this and I was hoping someone might offer me some words to help.

I am so sorry. I, myself, know how hard miscarriages are. It doesn't matter if you are 3 days or 3 months, it is the same thing. If you know it is there, and see it...hear it's heartbeat...then it is your child, and you have every right to be upset and sad. The thing is, even though it is hard now...it is SO much harder to lose a baby that is significantly progressed. I lost one right before I was pregnant with Eli, and I was about 4 months or so. I was supposed to go a few weeks after it happened to find out the gender...but after the D&C, the dr. told me it was a girl. It is heartbreaking and very scary...and horribly sad.

Even though yours happened very early, it was still a baby...and you had heard that heartbeat. Don't let anyone tell you that you don't have the right to grieve. You have every right. The dr. is more than likely right, it probably just happened. There is no rhyme or reason to it...just like T21.

It is a hard, difficult process to lose a baby...regardless of your progress. Had your dr. talked about starting you on any meds to make any future pregnanies "stick?" I was on Progesterin when I first found out I was pregnant with Rae because of my history.

Just so you know, we are always here to listen, talk, or whatever you need. You should not have to go thru this alone. Sometimes, men just don't understand (No offense to the men here! ) and you need others support.

I'd be happy to chat with you anytime. Just let me know.

Big Hugs.

_________________
Elisha
Mommy to Elijah Thomas, 4
and RaeLynne Ruby Lee, 1 year

Huge hugs sweetie. I know just how you are feeling. I myself have lost 3 babys at different stages of pregnancy and it is hard. Time. That all there is, time. You will probably never get over it, but it will get easier. I promise. I still have days were I'm very sad about my babys. It's normal to feel that way. Know you are never alone here.

_________________
~Christine~
Mom of 6
Brandon ADD/ADHD 17, Chelsea 14, Connor 12, Logan 6, Cody 4 & Austin 1 ( DS & Hirschsprungs )
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/austinpaquin

I'm so sorry sweetie. I miscarried a couple of months ago and I know how heartbreaking it is. I have a couple of good stories about this. I have a friend who has one typical daughter and then had 2 miscarriages since then (her daughter is 7 and she has trouble getting pregnant too). Now she is pregnant again and things are going great! I also have another friend who miscarried twice after going through IVF. She just gave birth in September to a beautiful son (after her third IVF). My point is...don't lose heart. Many women go on to have more children after multiple miscarriages.

{{{HUGS}}}}

_________________
Nathalie
Mom to Eden (DS) 4-13-08
Wife to Luciano (the best daddy in the world) since 10-8-2005
www.caringbridge.org/visit/edensalem

I know how you feel all too well. My 1st pregnancy in 2001 was exactly like your most recent one. However, I didn't find out until I was 13 weeks along. To this day....I am still heartbroken and will always remember my first pregnancy. I will never forget the day and look on the technicians face.

I had to have a routine mamogram a few months back and went back to the same Imaging center. The tech who did my ultrasound that day back in 2001 was the same tech who 'attempted' to do my mamogram. I had to tell her as nicely as I could...'you gave me the worst news back in 2001, I'd prefer someone else to do my mamogram'. She understood and had another tech do my mamogram (which thankfully was normal).

I had my typical daughter in Oct 2002...and thankfully that was a very easy pregnancy. Daniel came along in 2005 and he was a fraternal twin. That twin didn't survive past 8 weeks...but I wasn't aware there were 2 until after I had lost the twin.

I will pray for peace for you. Hold your kids tight...I know that helps me when I am sad and thinking of the 'what if's...'what could have beens' in life.

_________________

Elayna 10-1-02 and Daniel (Ds) 6-7-05
Always have hope....Without rain, there can be no rainbows.

I am so so very sorry..... I can't begin to imagine what you are going through so I will just offer up prayers that you get through this trying time. Sending many hugs to you too.........Greive in whatever way you need to......

Hugs,

A.

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Adrienne - mom to: Regan 16, Russell 11 DS, Autism, Visually Impaired, Reece 8.

DSAGSL 2009 Buddy Walk

I am so, so sorry. Hugs hugs for you, and prayers too. Remember, you will see your babies again.

I know how you're feeling. My first pregnancy was planned and we were so excited!!!! I was beyond thrilled...I had told everyone I knew as soon as I found out. This was in 2003. At 7 weeks, I started spotting. I told my doc and we did an ultrasound at 8 weeks. Baby looked good, but they couldn't see a heartbeat...yet, they said. So they had me come back at 9 weeks. They told me baby had grown and looked good but they still couldn't see a heartbeat. They assured me everything was okay...but I had a terrible, terrible feeling!!! They said come back in one week and we will see that heartbeat. So, I went back at 10 weeks. I just knew I was going to get bad news, so I brought my husband. They looked on the ultrasound and told me sorry, no heartbeat. I was CRUSHED!! I started bawling, right there on the table. They sent me to the hospital for another ultrasound, just to be sure. At that appointment, they showed me the empty sac where my baby used to be. It was horrible. At 11 weeks, when most people are getting out of the 1st trimester, I went in for my D&C.

It's so tough. All these years later, and I'm still sad. I still miss my baby. I still think about it. I will always miss my baby...until I get to see him again one day.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Hugs. I'm glad you're able to focus on your other children. That's a blessing.

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--Beth
Mom to Oliver, 5 (DS, ADHD)
and Sebastian, 3

I have had three miscarriages at varying stages of pregnancy - the last one was at 4 months. It is a terrible grief because so many people will tell you to focus on what you have and not what you have lost but those babies are just as important as the ones who you can hug every day. Allow yourself and your husband to grieve. It is important. Also feel free to 'talk' here because many of us understand what you are going through.
We named all the babies we lost - not knowing for sure what their gender was, although I got to hold my last one and am fairly sure he was a boy.

It is unlikely that there is anything "wrong" with you. I had 3 healthy children and then 3 miscarriages. No reason. I did find that my clotting factor was a little higher than usual but was told that could not have caused the miscarriages. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant with Talitha I took half an aspirin every second day until I was about 20 weeks.

Remember that your babies' eternal destiny is not altered by them not spending time here with you. They are already in heaven and you can look forward to meeting them there. I know that when I get there my three babies will be there to greet me and we will have eternity together.

_________________
Karyn
Mum to Nikki (Jul 89), Stefanie (Sep 96), Joel [June 98] and Talitha (DS) (Nov 05) AVSD/PDA repaired 23 March 06

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14

SendingBIG HUGS! I never experienced a miscarriage. Although I did bleed for the first three months of my pregnancy with Sam. I thought I would miscarry him so I did not tell anyone other then my husband that I was pregnant until I knew for sure that I wasn't going to have a miscarriage. I know that once I'm pregnant that the baby is very real to me and I start planning, and losing a child through miscarriage would be very difficult. I have a friend who had fourteen children and she also had at least five miscarriage. Her oldest son died at the age of nineteen after being hit by a drunk driver. She feels he is in heaven looking after all his little siblings that she miscarried and she looks forward to seeing all of them when it is her time. Remember your lost babies will always be a part of you. You might also want to wait at least 6 months before trying again so your body has a chance to get back to normal before you get pregnant again. Good Luck and HUGS again.
Mary Beth

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Mom to Rick 30, Stephanie (27), Elizabeth (25), Robby(22), Samuel (12 DS, TOF), Shane ( 11), Katarina (7 DS, AV Canal Defect)

I am so sorry. I too had a miscarriage. I agree with everything that everyone else said. I felt so strongly about the baby that I named him/her - I chose a name that could be for a boy and a girl. I even told my other children about the baby and we all grieved. It took a long time for me to come to grips with what happened - everyone is different though. That was 4 years ago and I still think about that baby and wonder what sex it would be and what they would be like. I look forward to meeting him/her in heaven some day. It is nice to think that there is a little angel up there waiting for me! Hugs and prayers to you!!

_________________
Maureen - Mom to Daniel(21), Brandon(19), Jordan(13)PDD, Thomas(11), Carrie(7), Samuel(4) and Mark (almost 2 - ds)
https://www.carepages.com/carepages/MarkEdwardC32708


"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa

I had an early loss in my first pregnanct, around 4 weeks, and that still seems odd to say because even though I was 100% positive I was pregnant all 3 times, it was the heartbeat on the ultrasound that made it real with Clara and AR. I never had an ultrasound or even a pregnancy test with the one I lost. I will never forget the shock and fear of seeing the ultrasound when we found out that we were close to losing Clara, and she survived. I couldn't breathe, and I wanted my heart to stop with hers. So don't feel like you are abnormal for putting so much weight on having seen your baby's heartbeat. It is such a powerful thing to see and lose. And don't feel like you are off for mourning your babies. Don't be upset with your DH if he doesn't understand your mourning. Pregnancy and childbirth are so physical and emotional that even the most supportive and sympathetic DH can't fully understand how deep those feelings go. But also remember that your two children here need you and can't understand your sadness, and you don't want them to feel like they've lost part of their mother.

God Bless You, I'm praying for you and your family.

_________________
Anara
Wife to Craig (wed 3.8.03)
Mom to Clara (DS, Autism, born 8.8.05), Alan Russell (born 3.9.07)

Visit us on Facebook - I finally caved in!
Or my blog: able2able... your special needs resource directory http://www.able2able.com
or for support keeping your 30 Day Resolution at http://30daysof2010.netboards.org/

this may sound weird, but i wish i was there so you could cry on my shoulder. my heart aches with you. i know things don't make sense and words seem to just make it worse sometimes. cry, ask questions. our God is big; he can handle it.

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wife to martin II

mom to marty III (8/6/09, DS)

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)

Thank you all so much for your sweet words of support/comfort. It was amazingly helpful to read your messages and know that there were woman who were there to listen and who understood. It has been a really tough couple of months...I have struggled with the loss of our little one but I think I am in a better place and I know our baby in heaven will always be with us and I will never stop thinking of him/her.

As I write this to you I am now 8 1/2 weeks pregnant! I am so excited and scared all at the same time! They did an ultrasound yesteday and so far everything looks good (the heartbeat was 173!) They asked if I was more at ease now that I had seen the baby but unfortunately it didn't take away all my fears since we had a great ultrasound last time and then 2 weeks later we learned the baby was gone. I honestly think that I will feel better when I make it to 12 weeks and there is a good heartbeat but I don't think I will ever be at ease until I am holding this little one in my arms!!

They did talk to me about testing yesterday and it opened a whole new set of fears. They told me that since my son has DS and then I had two miscarriages which were possibly due to chromosomal abnormalities (we didn't have any testing done on the babies we lost so we don't know for sure) that they would STRONGLY recommend CVS testing so I could decide what I wanted to do...well...I immediately said that there was no need because no matter what I would deliver this child and love him/her regardess...it just doesn't matter. But somehow they got into my head and started making me doubt and worry and now I am starting to think that maybe something will be wrong this time...and I am not scared of DS (my son is the best thing in the world that has happened to us) but what if it's something else that is fatal? UGH!! That of course opened that "what's wrong with me and my body that I can't carry a healthy child" can of worms that is in my head! Nevermind that my first born is a typical, healthy little girl and that my son is a very healthy beautiful little boy!! Why do they get in my head like that? Should I be worried? Is it more than likely that there is something really wrong with this baby? It stinks that now on top of worrying about losing this baby I am now worrying about his/her health!

Please pray that this will all work out ... and thank you again for all of your support...it really means so much!

Congratulations! I'll be praying everything goes well this time, please keep us updated! *HUGS*

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Anna

Mummy to Matilda (2005,) Philip (2007) and Teddy (DS, 10/2009)

Congratulations on your new pregnancy! I pray that everything goes well and that you will forget about your fears, and enjoy every day of your pregnancy. When you have time, please tell us more about your son and photos are ALWAYS welcome.

_________________
Karien: happily married to Neels
Mom to Ewald (16), Eduan (13), Alvin (9) and KALLEN

[url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://lb4m.lilypie.com/26Qnp2.png[/img][/url]
[img]http://i793.photobucket.com/albums/yy212/karienp2/KallenkonsertEduanVerj033-1.gif[/img][img]http://i793.photobucket.com/albums/yy212/karienp2/KallenkonsertEduanVerj115.jpg[/img][img]http://i793.photobucket.com/albums/yy212/karienp2/KallenkonsertEduanVerj172.jpg[/img][img]http://i793.photobucket.com/albums/yy212/karienp2/fotos31-01-2010096-1.jpg[/img][img]http://i793.photobucket.com/albums/yy212/karienp2/KallenkonsertEduanVerj039.jpg[/img]

Congratulations!! I understand what you are feeling and the pressure from doctors. Because I had lost 3 babies, and because of my age, I was under a lot of pressure to have testing but I refused everything that could have threatened my baby. I would only agree to ultrasounds.

My pregnancy with Talitha was very difficult because the whole way I was terrified I would lose her. It wasn't until I was holding her and she was breathing and relaxed in my arms that I felt ok. Even then I had the threat of her heart condition over my head but she was born and alive and it was wonderful.

Keep in touch. Nobody really understood how I felt during my last pregnancy. I tried to put on a brave front but it was very hard. There were lots of tears and lots and lots of prayers. It was hard but worth it to get my beautiful Talitha.

I will pray for you.

_________________
Karyn
Mum to Nikki (Jul 89), Stefanie (Sep 96), Joel [June 98] and Talitha (DS) (Nov 05) AVSD/PDA repaired 23 March 06

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14

Peaches wrote:

...somehow they got into my head and started making me doubt and worry and now I am starting to think that maybe something will be wrong this time...Why do they get in my head like that? Should I be worried? Is it more than likely that there is something really wrong with this baby? It stinks that now on top of worrying about losing this baby I am now worrying about his/her health!

{{{hugs}}} i will be praying for you. remember, it's their job to obsess over every detail. don't worry about all their suggestions; they are simply suggestions. congratulations!

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wife to martin II

mom to marty III (8/6/09, DS)

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14)

Congratulations! We will be praying for you and your new little one.

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Maureen - Mom to Daniel(21), Brandon(19), Jordan(13)PDD, Thomas(11), Carrie(7), Samuel(4) and Mark (almost 2 - ds)
https://www.carepages.com/carepages/MarkEdwardC32708


"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa

Congratulations!

I wanted to tell you that I had 2 miscarriages after having Julia, my daughter with DS. This past September I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I was scared to death when I got pregnant with her, due to the m/c's but my OB assured me that it was highly unlikely that Julia's DS had any correlation to my losing the pregnancies.

Best of luck to you!!!

_________________
Kimberly

DD Sofia 11-20-05
DD Julia 05-04-07
DD Olivia 09-04-09

My first pregnancy was very similar. I found out very early and had my first doc visit at 5weeks. Everything seemed fine. One week later I started having very heavy spotting, so they told me to come in for an US which showed everything to be fine, the doctor said that bleeding that early can often be "implantation bleeding" from where the baby is implanting into the uterus. He wanted me to come in 2 weeks later for a follow up US just to be sure. At 8 weeks, we went back for another US which was a wonderful experience, we got beautiful pictures to take home, and we were so excited and reassured. We never thought anything else about it. At our 13 week check up, the midwife was not able to hear a heartbeat with the doppler, and offered us an US but we felt that things were fine (I was a little overweight at the time and thought that might have something to do with it) and that we didn't need to drive down to the other office for the US. In hindsight it seems like a mistake, but we just felt that everything was fine. She didn't want us to wait a whole month for our next appointment, and we were going on vacation so our next appointment was at 15 weeks. Again, they couldn't hear anything so did an US at which point they discovered that the baby had actually died somewhere around 11 weeks. It was absolutely crushing. I felt as you do that people thought it shouldn't be that hard to get over-many women miscarry, the baby wasn't actually here so how could you have bonded with it, you'll have another baby, etc... I was horribly sad for a while. I still get sad when my due date comes around and that was in 2004.
I am SO very sorry that this has happened to you. I know how sad and hopeless you must feel. Better days will come. Hold your little ones close and know that there are other people out there who understand what your going through.

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Amber Chase
Mom to Caroline and Philip

www.atlantadsaa.org