In many of our lives, I know in mine, one of the things I was told, and also feared, was that the addition of a baby with Down syndrome to our lives would cause a strain in my marriage.

I have not found this to be the case. I think it has brought my husband and me closer together, for the good of our children.

In this book, I thought it was interesting that the story, in part, is of a marriage torn apart--not by keeping the baby, but by letting it go.

What are your thoughts and feelings about this idea?

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

I am sorry, I am so lost by what book you are referring to???

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Kristen: Wife to Scott, Mama Bear to Ethan
(05/25/01, DS & ALL)
Independent Demonstrator, Uppercase Living
http://kris10z.uppercaseliving.net

Good point! All questions are about THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER, by Kim Edwards, which is the very first book that the book club is discussing.

I'll try to go back in and make sure each post has that info, too.

Thanks!

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

I guess I will start since today is the day:

I agree. As long as you make it past the 1st couple of trying months, the rest brings you closer together. My DH and I are definetly closer.
This family was never given the chance to be close. Once he decided to give up the baby he put that barrier between him and his wife and their son. And over the years that wall became bigger and bigger and wider and wider. Lies are no good for a relationship.

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Joey 3/8/97
Megan, DS 11/8/03
Olivia 7/6/05

I haven't read the book, but ...

A family I know well, the dad used to post on here before their son was born, and after while he was having lots of medical problems - they have split up. After 16 years of marriage and 5 children, they have split.

It's so sad. And they were in a strong Christian marriage.

Even the strongest marriages can struggle with the arrival of a child with DS, especially if that child's issues take all your time and energy

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Helen

Mum to ...
Rachael Kinza (25/07/01), Matthew Isaac - DS & Autism - (14/06/03) and Hannah Cerys (14/06/05) - my gorgeous kids!

The lie definitely tore the marriage apart and strained his relationship with his son. He was trying to protect his wife and do what he thought was right, but really sabotaged everything.

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Melissa ~
mom to Dominic and Delphine (DS, AV Canal repair 6/07)
http://bananamigraine.blogspot.com

Well, studies have shown (there's a 2001 one from Wisconsin) that there is no statistical difference in marriage breakups if you have a kid with a disability or not. We are not all doomed in our marriages!

Marriages that split up probably would have anyhow. I think having a child with a disability can help you look at what's important in your life and what's not - and also help magnify any 'cracks' in the marriage.

My overwhelming feeling about the book was this:
The family with Phoebe experienced joy.
The family that gave up Phoebe had their joy taken away from them. Phoebe was a gift, not a burden.

I think it's striking that the things which we fear most are sometimes our greatest blessings in disguise.

I was fortunate in that my husband and I had nearly identical feelings/reactions in the early months following Thomas's diagnosis. I felt like he was the only person in the world who understood me. So it was a real bonding time for us.

I still feel that nobody else really understands the delight I feel as Thomas's parent, except for my husband.

Of course, Thomas does not have chronic health issues, etc, at this point. I think the constant strain of any long-term crisis could be a serious trial for any marriage. But not an inevitable death-blow. I imagine it would either weld you together or break you apart.

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Kathryn Lynard Soper
Mother of Thomas (DS) 10/2005
Sam - 2003
Matt - 2001
Christine - 1999
Andrew - 1997
Ben - 1994
Elizabeth - 1993

Author of The Year My Son and I Were Born: A Story of Down Syndrome, Motherhood, and Self-Discovery



Editor of GIFTS and GIFTS 2