In Road Map to Holland the subject of stereotypes comes up very quickly (p. 13). Throughout the course of the book, I learn that the most typical negative stereotypes often are untrue, and when they do occur, many times it's for medical reasons. Since that time, I've also become aware of many additional stereotypes, ones that can be considered positive: that our kids are always happy, that our kids are easygoing, that they are angels, that they are teachers.

What is your feeling about these stereotypes, both good and bad? How do they help us, how do they hurt?

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

hi Jennifer, I'm going to do my best to answer your questions and thanks for the new "book club" threads. For me, honestly, I really don't like the stereotypes -- good or bad. I just want to tell people he's a child first and foremost and more like his 2-year-old peers than different. Not to mention, often when someone says "he's an angel" or "he's so happy" I hear pity in their voices and they're generalizing because truth is, they don't know Lucas. I know, I know, I may just be making it up or be overly sensitive, and I know there are times people are being genuinely complimentary, and just maybe I've still got more growing to do on this road. Bottom line is I just don't like labels...any labels...and it feels to me as if though when I hear a stereotype, Lucas is being put in a box, and it irks me -- simple as that.

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Sandy, momma to Lucas "the bean" (10/15/06)

Hi, Sandy! Excellent points, all of them, but I'm especially interested in this thread, and what you say here. A box is still a box, even if it's a pretty one, no?

I think many of the stereotypes begin with a bit of truth: our kids do teach us invaluable lessons, our kids do seem to bring out the best in others. But the risk of stereotypes, even the good ones, is that they are too often broadly applied, at the expense of really seeing each individual child's strengths.

I find myself guilty of a sort of stereotyping in my book...I divide the world into "moms" and "not-moms!" So there's that. I think it's a very human challenge to try and see the person for the person. It's something I've become much more aware of. And like you, I want the world to see the child, first.

xo

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

Jennifer
I have to say, that when you encountered that woman in the bakery I was barraged with so many different feelings! I was angry, hurt, sad, confused, and more than anything I wish I had been there to give you a hug!

I think my whole life I have worked against stereotypes. But, maybe it wasn't really the stereotype that I was working against. It was more just my need for everyone to see my son for WHO he was and not WHAT he has.

I think as parents of children with any special need, we worry about other's perspectives of our children. WE know that they are funny and smart and loving and witty. We know that they have a stubborn side and a mischievous side and everything in between. We know that our children are just like every other child, which really means that they are completely different from every other child because NO child (DS or not) is exactly alike!

Stereotypes are just part of being human. Some are good. Some are bad. Some are right. Some are wrong.

Lets face it... If you are NOT a mom, then you don't have a clue what it is like to be one. You have less responsibility and in most cases are more carefree and less mature. And, if you are a mom, but do not have a child with Ds, then you are in a whole other world!

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Tim

Garrett

Tim, Arron and Garrett


Kristy Colvin
IMDSA President
Mom to Arron, Dustin, Tim (MDS), Stevan, and Garrett

Oh, the woman in the grocery store! There's more to that story...

It was inevitable, living in a small town, that I'd see her again. The grocery store where she works is the one closest to our house, and I remember the first time I knew I had to return, I was almost wishing she would say something, because I knew exactly what my reply would be (I'd worked it all out in my head).

But she's never said anything rude or awful since that first time. In fact, she goes out of her way to make sure Avery gets a free bakery cookie. I think watching him grow over the years, and seeing firsthand how much he is a part of our family, has done more to teach her about Down syndrome than words ever could.

xo

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

I am new to this journey, so I haven't had much opportunity to observe many of the stereotypes.

What I do know is that the thing that got on our nerves the most (and still does) in people's reactions to Benjamin is when they say, "Oh, they're just the sweetest people!" UGH. I don't get irritated at the people; I know they MEAN well. I can even imagine I'd probably say the same thing if I were in their shoes and had experience with DS.

As Benjamin is growing more and more into his personality, however, I can tell you with no doubt in my mind...HE IS THE SWEETEST BABY. So, go figure. LOL

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Angela
Wife to Matthew
Mom to three wonderful sons:
Andrew James--3/24/06
Benjamin Matthew--4/24/08 DS--VSD & ASD repaired 10/3/08, intestinal obstruction repaired 1/13/09, hypospadias & ventral hernia repaired 8/21/09
Thomas Alexander--3/25/10

www.theamicks-angela.blogspot.com

The thing I don't like about stereotypes is that they don't give much room for each persnon's uniqueness. Generalisations - they can inhibit or prevent someone having certain opportunities or choices that they would otherwise have. Not sure what to make of this and I do feel uncertain about it - a 'positive' stereotype - "oh just down syndrome" - "they can work, live independently and even marry". I know!!! Here I am doing everything I can think of to promote that people with DS are 'just like everyone else'; to encourage inclusion - am I being ridiculous getting annoyed with the view that DS is not a big thing??? I feel that comments like that deny the amazing effort it takes Hannah to participate in the 'mainstream'. A quandary for me that I am still trying to work through more clearly. Funding problems don't help - the view that it is 'just DS' pervades the bureacrats' purse strings.

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Mum to Hannah (ds) and Kit 15/10 /04

When I hear all the "good" stereotypes I always want to say, "Oh yeah, if kids with Ds are so great, then how come you are not in line waiting for your baby to have Ds?"

However, I do prefer those over the "bad" ones.

I do have to say, when Nichole was 5 months old I went to a Ds get together and there as an 18 year old young man with Ds. He was the negative stereotype. I really had a hard time. But I realized, his mother made him be that way. She told us about all the things he could not do and how retarded he was, can you believe that? It was really sad, and I wanted to tell her, "This is why people think about our children this way, because you have made him become the stereotype!"

Stereotypes are hard. But we ALL are fighting against those. Our children however, at least Nichole, is a better advocate than I am. She is showing people how precious a valuable she is. I have had people tell me that they hope to someday have a child with Ds. That is pretty remarkable! Don't you think?

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Ellen, honored to be married to Andy since Feb 2003 and mom to Ellie (08/21/05) Nina (05/01/06 CP) and Nichole (10/02/07 DS)
www.elliestumbo.blogspot.com

"For you created my inmost being, you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14
God does not make mistakes

Absolutely! The self-advocates are my favorites...they are the best. Without words, even, they can change minds and hearts, just by being themselves.

xo

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg

I dislike stereoptypes because they rob our children of their individuality.

However, I am sometimes disturbed by responses I sometimes see to stereotypes. And I thing the discussion can bring up some very complicated emotions.

For example, I have a friend whose child with DS has more severe physical and cognitive impairments than the overal DS population. His life is still good, his value to society still meaningful, the joy he brings to his family still priceless. But often in our efforts to debunk myths about DS, we can use language that appears to discount that child's membership in our community, dismissing him as an outdated myth.

I grew up with families of children with DS. One family lived in our neighborhood for 25 years, and now lives in a retirement community with my parents. Their son has the "classic" look of DS: short, stocky, balding, with very difficult to understand speech. He works in a sheltered workshop and lives at home. He has some OCD issues and had a bout with depression which was handled with medication. He loves country music, dancing, and skiing. He just broke his leg skiing and his first question was "When can I ski again?" His parents are wonderful, loving, accepting people. Sometimes when I hear "myth-busting" language, I wonder if some of it is an insult to him and them.

So yes, I do feel "grouping" language is not the right way to go, but I do try to be careful that what I'm saying does not disrespect any people in the DS community.

And when I was pregnant I heard "They ere so happy" so many times! By the fourth time I was just thinking, "There's gotta be more to it than that!"

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Nancy, mom to
Samantha (12)
Maria (9)
Elena(7)
Gabriella (4) (DS & repaired AVSD)
Our story: GIFTS - page 130

Excellent point, Nancy. We don't want to "leave anyone behind," as it were, in our quest for spreading awareness. Stereotypes are often based on some bit of truth, and that truth shouldn't be overlooked.

Again, I wish people could know that DS comes in all shapes/sizes/forms/etc., and look at the person, first, before making any assumptions or conclusions. A big wish, I know.

xo

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Jennifer Graf Groneberg