Madonna's new baby

October 26 2006, 3:00 PM

Heard a show yesterday on international adoption. Some expert was asked about the controversy regarding Madonna. She said she had never heard a Madonna song, nor knew much about her, but based on her knowledge of this latest story she thought it had to do with racism. She said had Madonna adopted a baby from an orphanage in Sweden there would be no uproar. Interesting and hard to prove. I think it's great what Madonna and Angelina Jolie have done. I don't understand the need to criticize or judge them. I wish i could do it, but for me it would be very difficult legally.

Anyway, this expert said the top countries for international adoption are first Russia and Eastern Europe, then Asia, then Latin America and finally Africa. She said #1 is because the majority of people want a baby that looks like them. Isn't that sad. Since i am adopted I have never gotten the enjoyment that people seem to get from knowing their offspring are genetically related to them. I grew up in a household where my parents were always discussing what relatives my sisters (they were not adopted)looked like. My in-laws are also obsessed with doing this parlor game - sometimes i want to ask - who inherited grandpa's alcoholism or grandma's ADHD?

So many people are so attached to their biology though. We know a childless couple who have struggled for years with fertility treatments. They would probably have a child by now if they adopted or used an egg donor. But they want the child and they want it to be their own. Why does it matter to them? In this age of sperm, egg and embryo donation I wonder how many families are going to tell their offspring. I know from the world of adoption that secrecy is not psycholoically a healthy option, i hope parents find a way to be honest. Though with adoption one of the best ways is to tell the baby their birth story from day one, I don't see many people telling their children about their donors from day one, and it's the type of thing that never goes well if you have it sprung on you.

I have now found both my birth parents and made contact with them. But that's a whole different blog entry at a different time.

I really wish more people would adopt the kids out there in the orphanages. The ones that aren't blond haired and blue eyed. The woman from the radio show talked about entering an orphanage in Ethiopia and the children surrounding her with smiles and kisses. She discribed them as "kisses you really felt, that lingered on you afterwards."

Good luck with your new son, Madonna.

Author Message
mary c
Our two oldest kids were adopted from Guatemala. We had gone through the whole infertility route where we had had a lot of testing done. Our next step was to do invitro, but beffore we did it we went to a support group for people with infertility issues. The room was filled with bitter women who complained about their doctors, their treatments, etc. etc. We left the meeting (my DH was the only man in the room), got in our car, turned to each other and announced we were going to adopt because we weren't going to let our lives be about getting pregnant, but it was going to be about raising kids. Once we decided on adoption we were drawn to international adoption, particularly from some of the very poor areas of Central America. We had no interest in adopting a child that looked like us. There was a clarity in making it obvious that this child was chosen for himself rather than as a clone for us.
We adopted our daughter first and she was 4 months old. While visiting in Guatemala we brought medical supplies to a local orphange--our gifts of tylenol and bandaids were treated like gold. We were swarmed by hundreds of toddlers who called us Mamma and Pappa and begged to be picked up. My husband picked up every child in the place and gave each one a hug. Most children in the orphange were not orphans; they had been placed there because their parents knew they would be fed, whereas if they were home they might actually starve to death. There were no toys in sight for the several hundred children living there.
When we got our son two years later, he was a year old and close to death from a variety of illnesses. It was amazing what antibiotics, food, and potable water did for this child.
Unexpectedly, ten years later we found ourselves pregnant. When Anna was born I expected her to be dark haired and dark skinned like her siblings--which was my definition of beauty in an infant. It took a long time to get used to seeing a child that looked like me.
There is a freedom to raising an adopted child that doesn't exist with my biological child. With my older kids I feel free to marvel to others about their beauty, their intelligence, their charm, all because I am not bound by genetic humility. They got those attributes from their birth parents, not from me, and so I can freely admire them. I don't feel so free to comment when someone comments on Anna's beauty because she looks just like I did as a child.
As to the idea that a person needs to raise their "own" child, I think that is absurd. The child belongs to himself/herself not to the parent. My relationship to my kids who were adopted is as strong, as loving, as genuine, as is the relationship with Anna. They all own me.
Wow. What wonderful thoughts from both of you.
There are so many ways to be "connected", to have relationship. Some rely upon blood, others find different meaning in it, to some it can be the source of great shame and pain. I am not familiar with the twists and turns of Madonna's - or any other adoption, for that matter - I think it's more a matter of too much media and not enough news, combined with the completely wrong and inappropriate belief that we need to know and should care about her personal life. It's really none of my business, now, is it, her motivations, thoughts, and feelings?
At any rate, I think the both of you are the superstars.
kami k
When my husband and I tried for five years to get pregnant and nothing happened, we went and saw a fertility specialist to see what the problem was. Prior to seeing this specialist though we made the decision together that if there was something wrong with us that we would need treatments to get pregnant it would not be worth the money because there is no gaurantee that you will receive a child. So once we got our results back we went straight to the adoption agency. We signed up immediately for special needs adoption. We were open to any child, any age, any race and any need. About a 1/2 a year later we got news about our son. The agency called and said there was a family in our home town that just had a baby born with Down syndrome would need heart surgery. We meet with the parents and a week later we were picking up our son from the foster home. About a year later we found out we were expecting even though we were told that it would not be likely. A week after finding out we were expecting we had a miscarriage. A few weeks later we were in the process of going through adoption again. That was September, in December we were at the hospital with our daughters birth mom, waiting for her to be born. Our daughter was born with Spina Bifida, hydrocephalus, Chiari Malformation II, and bilateral club foot. We knew about all this before she was born, as we went to prenatal visits with the birthmom. When our daughter was just a month old we found out we were expecting again, this time I had a full term baby. Our son was born in August. I love all my children the same. I don't feel more bond towards the child I gave birth too, than I do for the other two. I feel I have the same bond with all of them. I don't think it matters how you become parents, all that really matters is that you love your children and give them the love that they need. My children all get along and I have told them even though they may not understand right now, how they have come into our world. I am deeply in love with all my children and we are considering having another one, whether I give birth to a child or we adopt a child it will be loved just as much as our other children. The biggest thing with us though is we get asked all the time which one is ours. My reply is all of them. They come back with which one did you give birth to? My reply does it really matter, I love them all the same and it feels in my heart that I gave birth to all of them, so does it really matter? I think Madonna did a good thing, does it matter if she has money or not, no, she is loving that child and that is all that matters.
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