My son's teacher has never established himself as THE authority, so every day is a struggle to find new 'techniques' i.e. tricks? to get Rafi to listen. the challenge keeps growing. I instinctively feel he should VERY forcefully prove to Rafi that he is boss, consistently, for one week and then they would have his compliance all year. right now they just try to redirect Rafi, or wait him out, instead of making him listen.
Any ideas how to impress on a balky 10 year old with DS that the teacher is boss? if he drops and flops, should they carry him where he needs to go?

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Mom to Rafael, DS 2001, and 6 older sibs.

We have had this same issue...and the answer is no, the teacher should not carry him around. It is a dangerous issue for both Rafi and the teacher. Our son is put on a time out square each time he is non-compliant. It goes something like this...

Gunnar, it is time for music. Let's line up.
*ignore*
Gunnar, take my hand and let's line up.
*shrugs or says no*
Gunnar, do you need to go sit on the green square?
*NO*
Then, it is time to go line up.
*OK --- or if he continues to balk he has to go sit on the green square until he is ready to comply nicely*

This is consistently how Gunnar's balkiness or non-compliance is treated. There is no dragging or fighting. If Gunnar will not go willingly to the green square than he is allowed to sit where he drops. Then when he becomes compliant again he is led to the green square and told to sit there because he did not listen.

This is balanced with lots of positive reinforcement for the times that Gunnar willingly does what is asked.

I had to push for this as there really wasn't a definitive, consistent way that he was required to be compliant. This is what works for us at home. Our children learn that they can get their way by being stubborn so the teacher has to learn how to 'be the boss' without escalating the fight.
Does your son's teacher listen to your suggestions? You could observe the class and give feedback for the situations that arise. You are the expert on your son and they are doing your son no favors by allowing him to continue to run the show.

I hope this helps a little.
˜Lauri

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Thanks Laurie, that is EXACTLY the type of precise ideas i am looking for. right now when Rafi doesn't listen or misbehaves, they try to redirect (distract, entice, bribe?) and if it doesn't work they leave him alone (watched by an aide) until he settles. but it has reached epic proportions - one time the teacher removed ALL the rest of the kids to learn elsewhere because my son was tearing the room apart and throwing papers and wouldn't stop.

we do find time out works well at home, but admittedly sometimes i have to drag him there. he is pretty big and strong. he calms down immediately once in time out.

so they don't want to drag him there (got that) but then he can do things like stay outdoors for an hour or more after recess!

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Mom to Rafael, DS 2001, and 6 older sibs.

I saw a great tip once here for getting compliance after recess. The teacher on duty would put plastic cones around the perimeter of the playground between where the child played at recess and the classroom. It was the childs "job" to pick up the cones when the bell went and take them back to the room. Giving him responsibility made him feel important, so he co-operated, not knowing of course tnat the cones only went out so that he would have to pick them up.

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Mum to Brendan 15, Chiara 14, Kiernan 12, Aidan 10, Lachlan 9, Gianna 7 (DS) and Sienna 5.
"This then is what Yahweh asks of you: to act justly, to love tenderly and to walk humbly with your God."

Love the cone idea. I will have to remember that one

In addition to the 'green square' we have a Behavior Plan in writing. This plan discusses in length the POSITIVE things to do to praise him for making right choices. The one-on-one aide and I sat down and brainstormed a list of things that would appeal to my boy. He is not interested in painting or flippin' little stars - but he loves visiting the library and going for walks and he loves sitting in a box. So, these are his rewards. (the reward walks are ones where he gets to choose the directions and lead the way as they "explore"). These rewards are timed with a timer so there is no fight when it is time to return to class

When he completes an academic activity that he hates (like handwriting) then he earns a reward. After the reward he returns to work

This has been a work in progress but this is what is working for us right now. I teach in the same school he attends and the difference since we implemented these changes has been wonderful! You can not trust the person at the head of the class - just because they have a degree. YOU are the expert on your son. Call an IEP meeting and require some changes. It is never easy and there isn't always a quick fix but your son is not making the progress you know he should. Good luck!
˜Lauri

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These are wonderful ideas! My son HATES stickers so that has never been a motivator. i love the cone idea.
they tried to get Rafi to come indoors by giving him a fake 'job' but that only worked 3x till he figured it out. but the cones are nice visual clues and give tactile response.

i am so desperate i actually thought of loading an ipod with video clips of my husband saying firmly, 'Rafi! get in line!' or 'Rafi, sit down at your desk!' since he always listens to my husband perfectly. then teach could scroll thru to find the appropriate clip and.....voila!

ok. not.

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Mom to Rafael, DS 2001, and 6 older sibs.

Oh, he's a smart cookie. They could make the cones go differently every few days....straight toward the door...around a tree....in a circle etc...walk backwards when picking up the cones or hop to pick up the cones...there are so many ways of keeping this going if he likes it and it works

And the ipod is not a bad idea....he could push the button so that he feels more in control and he might get a kick out of seeing his dad.

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Lauri
You are so right about us knowing our kids better than anyone else!
Often our expectations of teachers and aids are beyond their remit, especially if they change each year.

Robert has sensory issues with touch and change/ transitioning. I find if we pull him he get much worse so we have to negociate, placate and reward him the positive....tons of verbals, etc

I love the idea of the cones Nicola.

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Linda & John
mom to Hannah Kate (Age 12 ), Robert (Aged 6 - DS)


First day at school

These are all great ideas.

Laurie that is a lot of what we did with Sean. Consistency and following the behavior plan was key. It sounds like things are getting so much better. I am really happy for you.

My school carried sean to time out for awhile which I really didn't agree with. Now they don't do it anymore. They walk him to a "thinking mat" now or if he's not cooperating they just find a blank wall where he can't touch anything.

I like the cone idea too. I wish I had known that one before. We don't have the recess issue anymore. Believe it or not there is hope!! They finally start cooperating.

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Mom to Sean 9 yrs with DS and Carly 12 yrs

Thanks for all the encouragement. He has started a new and more demanding school this year. He is definitely testing the waters to see what he can get away with. and unfortunately, he has a 45 minute bus ride to school... not an ideal set up.

he is very tough though. ever since he turned 9. has a very strong mind and can be a real screamer. very unpredictable (sweety one day and terror the next). responds to one technique for a few days and then realizes he is being 'played' and stops cooperating. grrrrr. i get frustrated and the teacher is pushing to shorten his school day which seems really unfair and a cop-out to me.

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Mom to Rafael, DS 2001, and 6 older sibs.

Have you viewed the Behavior lecture given by Dr David Stein at Children's Hospital of Boston? I would view this and share with your son's teachers, aides, etc... Getting everyone to understand is important. The more you insist and threaten and react to this behavior the more resistance you will get. Our children are great at digging in their heals and holding ground.


Video Lecture
http://breezemsprod2.tch.harvard.edu/p45925656/

Power Point presentation.
http://childrenshospital.org/clinicalservices/Site2845/Documents/BehaviorDS.pdf

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Sherry
Evan 10, Olivia 9, and Nate 6*

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