Dear all,
I am a very regular ‘lurker’ here at Downsyn and must say at the outset that I have picked up a lot of helpful information here - for that I am thankful.

My daughter, Zora, is 8 years old, and will be starting 2nd grade this year. About 18 months ago we moved to Tanzania because my husband got a great job here. I must say at the outset that this is not the best place – in terms of services or support – to raise a child with ANY disability! But we have settled in and Zora seems to be enjoying school and has made a couple of friends who she sees outside of school. Last month my oldest daughter left home to travel and will start university in the US this Fall. Zora and her sister are good friends, but did not spend a lot of time together in the last year.

Zora has always had an active imagination. She has always had imaginary friends that she talks to when she is playing alone. When we moved to Tanzania she spent more time with these ‘friends’ when she was playing especially the daughter of our former nanny who was Zora’s best friend. Gradually the friends started to fade away as she got more involved in school and made a few local friends. Just to note also that Zora never brought her friends along when we went out. When leaving home she would always say bye-bye to them.

Recently however the friends have returned and they go everywhere with her! If we are out at the shop, the playground or the beach, her friends are there with us. She talks to them she won’t hold my hand because she is holding onto one of her invisible friends. Sometimes I think it’s funny because she is so involved and her speech is so clear when she is talking to her friends, but I often worry that perhaps we should not let her get too lost in this imaginary world. I’m hoping that her friends will fade away once school starts in a couple of weeks and her best friend returns from vacation. I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if you have any advice.

Sorry to write so much...
Teresa

Hi and welcome Teresa and Zora! This truly is a very helpful and interesting forum- especially if you don't have services available...not to mention the wonderful friends you'll make.
I just read a blog of Leah taking about her daughter Angela's imaginary friends. My typical son, Alvin(10 years) still talks up a storm when he plays by himself, usually in English, and we're actually Afrikaans-speaking. I think that is due to him being in an English nursery school a few years ago when we live in Botswana.
Where in SA did you live?

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Karien: happily married to Neels
Mom to Ewald (16), Eduan (13), Alvin (9) and KALLEN

Hi, welcome to the board!

My daughter is 8 too and she sounds alot like Zora. Katie has always had imaginary friends that she usually plays with and talks to in her bedroom. (Also talks to all of her dolls) We've always told Katie that there are things that are appropriate for home or in the car and things that are appropriate in public...and imaginary friends are not appropriate for times when we are in public, so they either stay home or in the car.

Like Zora, Katie says 'goodbye' to them and my husband and I usually do too....we make a family thing of it and tell them to have a nice nap or play a game while they wait in the car. This seems to satisfy Katie and she always leaves them happily and then returns to them happily.

For us, we just don't want her too stand out in public any more than she already does, ykwim? If I thought that she really needed them or wasn't able to comprehend what was appropriate or not in public then I would probably just allow her to do it.

I'm sure Zora is needing them more because of all the change in her life...makes perfect sense. I'll bet she needs them less once school starts and she's busy with friends, etc.

Good luck, Deane

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Deane, wife to Matt and Mom to Kate-the-Great (7 years old)



"A person's a person no matter how small." - Horton

Here's a blog post I wrote just a couple days ago on this very topic!!!
.................

We have a problem in this house, and it is called pretend people. On occasion the pretend people have been known to overtake the house, and the conversations become more and more involved until, finally, there's just so much imaginary noise going on that it's really hard to listen to a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g Mom and Dad are saying.

Please tell me you have this problem too? Tell me your house has imaginary people you are bumping into all the time, accidentally sitting on, and (gasp) interrupting their conversations!

Last week, Angela was heavily involved in some game with what seemed to be a whole party of people in my living room. (hard to know when you can't see them!) That's when I asked her to let the dogs outside. Only she couldn't hear me even a tiny bit. Too many people talking at once, I suppose. I called again from the kitchen, "Angela, I'm busy with something and the dogs need to go out. Go open the door for them please." to which I received ZERO response.

It's never good to ignore your mother. I ignored my mother....once......

I went to the living room and invaded their space, "Angela. I'm talking to you. I need you to let the dogs out." She sort-of-glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, then continued talked to "Joe". "When do you want to go to Applebees? (pause for Joe to speak) Oh Tuesday is great! I love chicken strips too!"

I walked to the basement and let the dogs out, and formulated my plan.

Now if this were any other child, I would have addressed this very differently, more like IN HER FACE, and you can bet she WOULD have done what she was asked. But Angela isn't any other kid, she is Angela, and I know how her mind works. You have to have a strategy, a game plan. Getting in her face would have turned in to an all out battle of wills that neither of us would have won, and in the end the purpose of forcing her to listen to me would have been lost in the mayhem.

That night at dinner, I announced a family meeting. "Angela, starting tomorrow there is a new rule in the house. The pretend people are a problem in this house, but they are a lot of fun for you (never mind it is strange, just say'in...) so here's the new rule. Starting tomorrow morning, the only people allowed upstairs are those DEAN AND I can see and touch. ( because I'm not 100% convinced that Angela doesn't actually see these people. I think they are very much real to her.) Lets look around, who is here that we can see and touch."

Angela looked at me, "I see you. I can touch you. I see Dean, I can touch Dean. I can see me, I can touch me."

We talked about making a sign to put at the top of the stairs to serve as a reminder of who is allowed to come upstairs and who isn't.

The next morning, she came upstairs to watch t.v. About 10 minutes later I heard, "Not you Cody! You're invisible! You go downstairs now!" and a few minutes later she followed him.

Guess what? That was a couple days ago, and she was busy with stuff. Today? I haven't seen her ALL DAY because she's been downstairs, and it sounds like Mardi Gras down there!

_________________
~Leah~

Did you visit my mom's blog today?
http://www.gardenofeagan.blogspot.com

And don't forget to visit MINE!
http://itsmylifemom.blogspot.com/

mom to Noah 23, Tyler 21, Angela 14 (DS)

Anna also has imaginary friends who only appear when she is separated for a period of time from her real friends. She has names for them all--Utney, Brinjek, Brebey (which she made up as well). She knows they are imaginary and they stay home as well or occasionally go on vacation with us. They are mere entertainment and don't get in the way.

_________________
Mary
Mom to Libby 6/92, Alex 9/93, Anna (DS)12/12/03

Please support the Down Syndrome Research and Treatment Foundation http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q284/maryc_010/a13-1.jpg[/img]
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Angela's people are for coping when she's bored, and needs to process the events of her day. They drive us crazy most of the time. We have rules for them like, they're not allowed to come in stores with us, instead they have to wait in the car. (she always says goodbye to them, and tells them when she'll be back!) Sometimes in the store she'll suddenly turn around and say, "Oh no you don't! You get back to the car now!" which worries me a bit!
Is this self monitoring, or are they really coming????

When she comes home from school, if we pay attention to the conversations between her and the gang, we can find out every detail of her entire day: who got into trouble, who likes what boy, who got mad at whom, and what teacher was out sick. Very interesting!

_________________
~Leah~

Did you visit my mom's blog today?
http://www.gardenofeagan.blogspot.com

And don't forget to visit MINE!
http://itsmylifemom.blogspot.com/

mom to Noah 23, Tyler 21, Angela 14 (DS)

Thanks for the feedback!

Karien, we lived in Pretoria for 7 years! We must have seen each other at some of the DS functions! Zora was born in Preetoria at Wilgers Hospital. We lived in Quenswood our oldest daughter was at St. Mary’s (DSG) and Zora was at Busy Bee Pre-School in Brooklyn...

Leah and Deane, My husband and I were struggling with deciding on whether we should acknowledge the invisible friends or leave Zora in her own space with them. As with your house though they can be somewhat disruptive and a huge distraction for Zora when she should be focused on other things – like eating and sleeping. Leah, the excerpt from your blog IS funny!! I don’t think Zora has so many friends yet, but I do think their numbers are growing. The other day just before we were going out I told her to say goodbye to her friends, she left some behind but brought one along! I will try setting boundaries for when and where the friends are allowed to go and let you know if that works for us.

Mary, intuitively I know that this is a coping strategy for Zora. There has been a lot of change in her life in the past 18 months. She has always adapted well to new situations and loves going to new places. I know the friends are hanging around so much because she is feeling lonely. I’m relieved to hear that others are experiencing the same thing. Emotionally, I suppose I feel sad that she does feel lonely and right now she has more imaginary friends than real ones... but I know this is not only a DS issue.

Thanks again, for the feedback. It’s nice to be engaging rather lurking here!

Teresa

It's been interesting reading this thread! Thanks for bringing up this subject, Teresa! Aleena does not have imaginary friends, but she does have very real relationships with two of her dolls, Diane and Barbie. They have conversations and laugh and giggle all the time. They all understand each other. I think she finds this comforting, since most of the real people in her life don't understand her very well when she talks. She doesn't have that barrier with the dolls. And Leah, she totally uses them to process the events of her day! Nice to know others do this, too.

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Marlene, mommy to my precious Aleena (1/30/04)